There’s a lot happening in the world right now, and many of us are finding ourselves in situations with others who are struggling. When witnessing another’s vulnerability, I’ve noticed we often fumble when someone starts to open up – either freezing, or leaping in too fast with “fixing.” We want to offer comfort, but it can feel overwhelming or confusing to know what to say, or how to truly support someone in their pain.
Whether the pain is personal, collective, or held quietly under the surface, our nervous systems feel it too. We might rush in with the “right” words, try to find a solution, or scramble to make things better. But here’s something I’ve learned: what’s most healing often isn’t clever or perfect. It’s presence.
Feel first, then support
Peter Levine, in Trauma-Proofing Your Kids, offers a crucial reminder: before you reach out to support someone else, you need to check in with yourself first.
This is key because when someone we care about is in pain, our own bodies and nervous systems are affected. We might feel a swirl of emotions, tightness, or anxiety rise up as we witness their hurt. And if we skip over our own sensations, we risk bringing urgency, discomfort, or even subtle pressure into the moment.
Here’s the shift:
1️⃣ Feel into your own body first. Notice: What’s happening in me right now? Where do I feel this? Am I bracing, holding my breath, tensing?
2️⃣ Give yourself a moment to ground. Take a breath, feel your feet, and settle your own system as much as possible.
3️⃣ Then meet the other person. From this steadier place, you’re better able to offer true support because you’re not rushing to fix or manage your own discomfort.
Being a steady presence (not a fixer)
When we come from the body, we meet pain with steadiness instead of solutions. We become part of a nervous system that knows how to repair, not by erasing the wound, but by witnessing it. By staying close, by honoring the dignity of the person in front of us without needing them to feel okay for our comfort.
Healing happens there, in the space between words. In the quiet exhale that says: “You’re still welcome here.”
Maybe that’s what we all need more of right now: spaces that don’t rush our pain, but recognize it… and stay.
What to say (when you don’t know what to say)
Here are some simple, powerful ways to hold space that don’t require fixing or perfect words:
Presence Statements:
- “I’m here with you.”
- “You’re not alone in this.”
- “I’m here and I’m not in a rush.”
- “I’ll stay with you.”
Acknowledgment Statements:
- “I can see this matters to you.”
- “It makes sense you feel this way.”
- “Of course this would hurt.”
- “Your feelings are real and welcome.”
Permission-Giving Statements:
- “You’re allowed to feel all of this.”
- “You don’t have to be okay right now.”
- “You get to have your own timing with this.”
- “It’s okay if there aren’t words for it.”
Body-Centered Invitations:
- “Would it help to take a breath together?”
- “Take your time. Your body knows the way.”
- “If you need to move, be still, or anything else – follow that.”
- “Wherever your body is at right now is enough.”
Soft Holding Statements:
- “I’m holding space for you, however you are.”
- “You don’t have to explain. I trust your experience.”
- “You’re safe to be however you need to be.”
- “Just being here is enough.”
Simple Being Statements:
- “I’m not trying to fix anything. Just here with you.”
- “We can sit in the not-knowing together.”
- “I’m glad to be here with you, even in this.”
- “We can move at the pace your body needs.”
Come be held, too
If your body is asking for a place to land, listen. The last Saturday of the month I’m holding space in our somatic practice group – a space where your sensations, hurts, hopes, and humanity are all welcome.
Come as you are. We’ll be listening, moving, and meeting ourselves (and each other) with deep care and patience.
